The Cuecas Con

'Teacher, may I go to the toilet'?

I hope you like the sound of this particular sentence. As a teacher, you will hear it a lot. A few things will happen.

a) One person will say it, clutching their stomach. They'll go. They'll come back. Lesson will continue.
b) One boy will say it. As soon as he's out of the door, another boy. Then another. If you allow them, you'll soon find yourself in a room full of girls while the boys' toilets are the new party venue.
c) Same scenario, gender reversal. Girls are just as capable of deceit and illicit parties. (These migrations will happen when there's challenging work ahead, like dictation or having to remember the months of the year. Or having to think up AWHOLESENTENCE.)
d) Wiser, you'll let X go, then immediately say to Y that he can only go when X is back. This will result in much cramp miming and, occasionally, minor spotting accidents.
e) There will be the occasional full half hour when no one remembers to play this card; this usually happens when the lesson is particularly gripping; you'll know, and give a nod of thanks towards the upper left corner of the classroom.

And now a new one: in the youngest group, midway through the class - a very little girl asks to go to the toilet. Off she goes. Another little girl asks to go. She goes too (I always let the littlest ones go immediately, they're not yet on first names with their own bladders). Another little girl asks to go. I go with her to the door to have a look for the previous two. I can see the second girl dashing about inside the toilet waving her arms. I beckon, she comes reluctantly.

'What happened to you?'
'Number two', she says unafraid. There seems to be no shame about confessing to such pastimes, around here. The word itself sounds innocent, a bit like 'cocoa'! (Number one, however, sounds like two times 'she': 'she-she' - which always creates a stir when we practise personal pronouns...)

'Where's your friend?'
Still unafraid, and loudly in front of everyone: 'She peed in her pants and on the floor. Now she's in the toilets waiting for her mum.'

Nobody bats and eyelid, but all the girls proceed to ask, and go, to the toilet. To visit their friend, I presume, and see the scene of the crime.

At the end of the class, I myself pass by the girls' toilets. Unlikely as it may seem, the girl's mother IS there, changing her 'cuecas' (knickers). Behind her, a cluster of cleaning ladies and children. Our girlie must be petrified with embarrassment - I think - but then I catch a glimpse: she's lording it on the toilet seat, smiling broadly and joking with the rest of them. In the end, mission accomplished: there is a party in the loo, a big one!

But I have the last smile, I reckon. After all, this 'cuecas' trick must have limited viability, right? One can't just go on using it into early adulthood...

Which leaves us with all the rest.